Sunday, November 28, 2004
I don't really want to blog, but I'm forcing myself to get a little something in on here. I was a little sad that one of Franny's blog entries just mysteriously disappeared and I wasn't able to read it beforehand. He told me it was a long blog entry, long enough for him to pass on re-writing it. So he just gave me a synopsis of what it was about. It had to do with the holidays and babies and insensitive people and all that stuff.
I have to agree with him. I am surprised at some of the insensitivity that we have encountered during this year regarding babies and pregnancy, but I think it's not out of maliciousness that people are insensitive, it's more out of ignorance. Some people just can't understand how it feels, or moreover, they fail to think before they say something. I remember a few days after my first failed IVF, someone that I was very close to called and told me that they were pregnant and I just had to sit there and bite my tongue while she three-wayed all of us girls on the phone to announce it. Yes, she knew about the IVF and was actually only one of the few people that I confided in about it. She was there for me and actually checked up on me quite frequently during my cycle. That is the main reason it was so shocking for this to occur. Not only did I have to hold back the tears on the phone, but I had to sit there and try to be happy for her in front of other people. The funny thing is I was really happy for her and I wasn't really sad about the news. But being in a group of people, I just felt really isolated. And it was only about 3 days after I found out about the IVF results. I was still mourning. Franny and I were both mourning. I can understand calling me and telling about the pregnancy, but not the whole 3 way conference call with three other girls. One of the other girls called me right after to see if I was okay. Even she thought it was a bit tasteless and insensitive. But again, I don't think it was done to be mean at all. I really can't explain it though. I know I wouldn't be able to do that to someone.
Fortunately, I am not that fragile anymore. I must say that I am handling being around babies and pregnant people quite spectacularly, considering that at one point in the last year, I would have cried uncontrollably at the mention of a pregnancy announcement. In the past few months, I can actually feel real joy without major sadness for my sister, cousins, and friends that are blessed with healthy pregnancies. Heck, I even threw one of them a baby shower last week, which was quite fun by the way.
On the flipside, the support that we do get from most of our family and friends is amazing. We know people are praying for us and that means the world to us. We are really blessed with loving and caring people in our lives.
Whether it's time that makes us stronger or just experience, things do lighten up after awhile. Who knows, maybe we're just detaching ourselves from all the negativity of infertility. Or maybe we've already mourned the miscarriages and accepted that my eggs are just not going to get us anywhere. Or maybe we don't want to live in a state of unhappiness anymore and have no choice but to break free from the realms of infertility and move on with our lives. I know it's probably not in our cards to have our own biological child, and as bleak as that may sound, it is reality. But instead of being depressed about our situation, we try to stay positive, find other alternatives to parenting, and know that God has a plan for us even if we don't really know what it is right now.
The new year will bring a lot of new things for Franny and I, and I just hope that one of those things will be a renewed sense of being. The year 2003 was full of a lot of ups and downs, but we survived and are moving onward to our next journey, whatever, wherever, that may be.
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I have to agree with him. I am surprised at some of the insensitivity that we have encountered during this year regarding babies and pregnancy, but I think it's not out of maliciousness that people are insensitive, it's more out of ignorance. Some people just can't understand how it feels, or moreover, they fail to think before they say something. I remember a few days after my first failed IVF, someone that I was very close to called and told me that they were pregnant and I just had to sit there and bite my tongue while she three-wayed all of us girls on the phone to announce it. Yes, she knew about the IVF and was actually only one of the few people that I confided in about it. She was there for me and actually checked up on me quite frequently during my cycle. That is the main reason it was so shocking for this to occur. Not only did I have to hold back the tears on the phone, but I had to sit there and try to be happy for her in front of other people. The funny thing is I was really happy for her and I wasn't really sad about the news. But being in a group of people, I just felt really isolated. And it was only about 3 days after I found out about the IVF results. I was still mourning. Franny and I were both mourning. I can understand calling me and telling about the pregnancy, but not the whole 3 way conference call with three other girls. One of the other girls called me right after to see if I was okay. Even she thought it was a bit tasteless and insensitive. But again, I don't think it was done to be mean at all. I really can't explain it though. I know I wouldn't be able to do that to someone.
Fortunately, I am not that fragile anymore. I must say that I am handling being around babies and pregnant people quite spectacularly, considering that at one point in the last year, I would have cried uncontrollably at the mention of a pregnancy announcement. In the past few months, I can actually feel real joy without major sadness for my sister, cousins, and friends that are blessed with healthy pregnancies. Heck, I even threw one of them a baby shower last week, which was quite fun by the way.
On the flipside, the support that we do get from most of our family and friends is amazing. We know people are praying for us and that means the world to us. We are really blessed with loving and caring people in our lives.
Whether it's time that makes us stronger or just experience, things do lighten up after awhile. Who knows, maybe we're just detaching ourselves from all the negativity of infertility. Or maybe we've already mourned the miscarriages and accepted that my eggs are just not going to get us anywhere. Or maybe we don't want to live in a state of unhappiness anymore and have no choice but to break free from the realms of infertility and move on with our lives. I know it's probably not in our cards to have our own biological child, and as bleak as that may sound, it is reality. But instead of being depressed about our situation, we try to stay positive, find other alternatives to parenting, and know that God has a plan for us even if we don't really know what it is right now.
The new year will bring a lot of new things for Franny and I, and I just hope that one of those things will be a renewed sense of being. The year 2003 was full of a lot of ups and downs, but we survived and are moving onward to our next journey, whatever, wherever, that may be.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
i knew one day i would beat the little booger and alas, today, i can say that i have success. after a year and a half, the big, fat, painful beast is gone! hip, hip, hooray, i say. even when i don't want to, i always end up rhyming.
i have been finally finding some time to just relax and sleep in a bit. i just hate when life is hectic. it should never be that way, right? so, i guess i'm making an early thanksgiving resolution to not take things so seriously. everything happens for a reason, eh?
anyways, finally caught up on some emails today. spoke to jenn a bit. gosh, she works fast! i'm happy for her and Ken. oh they got me and franny some stuff from maui...i really like the cute top from maui. it fits perfectly.
franny and i have been getting a lot of support over our little news. i love my family so much. i couldn't ask for better people in my life.
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i have been finally finding some time to just relax and sleep in a bit. i just hate when life is hectic. it should never be that way, right? so, i guess i'm making an early thanksgiving resolution to not take things so seriously. everything happens for a reason, eh?
anyways, finally caught up on some emails today. spoke to jenn a bit. gosh, she works fast! i'm happy for her and Ken. oh they got me and franny some stuff from maui...i really like the cute top from maui. it fits perfectly.
franny and i have been getting a lot of support over our little news. i love my family so much. i couldn't ask for better people in my life.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Extreme home make-over is evil! I just got done watching the show and I was balling uncontrollably for a good 40 minutes. They even got Marlin Maitlin to seal the deal. Despite the emotional aspect of the show, it is entertaining to watch. I like Ty, the host, the most.
Last week was so busy. It flew by so fast. I can't even describe how hectic it was.
Franny and I did go to the Warriors game with some friends though. It was a good game, but the Warriors didn't do that well. Their defense is horrible. It was fun hanging out with everyone. I wouldn't mind going to a few more basketball games in the future.
It's amazing that the more I have to do, the less I want to blog. You would think it would be the other way around, since I would have more things to write about than if I did nothing all day.
All I can say is that life is really good. Even with all the disappointments that can occur, it is comforting to know that I have my health and the love of my husband, family, and friends to always rely on. And well, that's all that really matters when it comes down to it. Find someone to love and live like every day is your last...
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Last week was so busy. It flew by so fast. I can't even describe how hectic it was.
Franny and I did go to the Warriors game with some friends though. It was a good game, but the Warriors didn't do that well. Their defense is horrible. It was fun hanging out with everyone. I wouldn't mind going to a few more basketball games in the future.
It's amazing that the more I have to do, the less I want to blog. You would think it would be the other way around, since I would have more things to write about than if I did nothing all day.
All I can say is that life is really good. Even with all the disappointments that can occur, it is comforting to know that I have my health and the love of my husband, family, and friends to always rely on. And well, that's all that really matters when it comes down to it. Find someone to love and live like every day is your last...
