Sunday, July 18, 2004
No title today. Can't think of one. I had a entertaining day though. Went to church at St. Anne's this morning and saw both moms and dads, and a few aunts and uncles. Went home and Franny prepared our lunch from our leftover chicken from the previous night. Both parents wanted to go out to eat with us, but we have so many leftovers and new groceries that need to be cooked. Franny took a nap while I watched "Heather Locklear: True Hollywood Story" on E. Then AC called and we decided to catch a flick, "Before Sunset", in Palo Alto. It was really good. Mostly dialogue, but it was engaging. I liked it. He let me drive the Mercedes on the way home. Exciting! I even convinced him to go to Jamba Juice with me to get Wheatgrass shots. He didn't want one, but he drank it anyway. That's what best friends are for I guess! He said he didn't like it, but I could tell it wasn't that bad. It doesn't even taste gross at all.
When I got home, I rearranged some paperwork downstairs and then worked out for about an hour while Franny slept. I am loving our Total Gym. I do so many reps for my triceps and calves, the two areas I really need to work on. I know everyone says not to work out when you're trying to get pregnant and all I got to say it "screw it". If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen no matter what I'm doing. And all this working out stuff will ultimately help me remain healthy and fit in the long run, so I'm not to worried about it either way. A part of me doesn't even want to think about trying to get pregnant. This trying to get pregnant business is tiring. I am burnt out emotionally and physically and need a break. I'm so glad I'll be on bcps soon. Speaking of pregnancy, I can't believe I got another positive pregnancy test this morning. It's so deceiving. I got a positive last month and it didn't keep or it was a faulty test. I don't think this time is any different.
One of the uncles that I saw at church today said this to me..."you're going to have twins". I was like "okay". If only he knew what I have been through. You know, I don't mind not being pregnant. Really. Right now, I adore my little world with Francis. It has taken awhile to get this way, but it is actually at a really beautiful place. We have grown so much closer in the past year. The fact that I have been dealing with the endo pain and not getting pregnant is not the worst of it all. I can deal with that, but I can't keep dealing with it over and over again. And I have to when I see a pregnant woman, or a women holding their baby or toddler, or when I find out it only took 2 seconds for someone to get pregnant...because it's just a constant reminder that I may never have that. Or when I'm at a party and everyone is talking about babies this and babies that. I have nothing to contribute since I have never had a child and have no idea how it feels to be pregnant for a long period of time. That's the difficult part. Group conversations are especially hard to deal with since everyone knows the subject for me is just a sad one...which makes it not only uncomfortable for me, but awkward for everyone else as well. So, that is the worst part of this whole situation. Everyone is pregnant in my family. Okay, not everyone, but it sure is feels that way. And I am so happy for them. My sadness doesn't correlate to not being happy for them, because I am. I really am. I'm also happy that they won't ever have to experience what Franny and I have. It's one of the most challenging and frustrating experiences you could ever encounter. Most people at this road are labeled as "pessimests" or "irrational". People say we just have to "trust", "have faith", "believe". Do people actually think we haven't been doing that? We have been. Even now, our faith in each other and God is stronger than ever. But at the same time, the longer this occurs the more we feel let down, lost, and left behind. Yes, it is a contradiction, but life isn't always so clear. It's not that we want to be this way, it's what we have been conditioned to be. Because let me tell you, those who have never experienced this heartbreaking situation, will NEVER have a clue how this really affects someone. Really.
But, if you really want to see it from someone else's point of view, watch this (sound needed):
open arms
Everyone says "you're young" and "don't worry". Yes, you all are well-meaning individuals, but the honest truth is that it doesn't make us feel any better. We are young, but it doesn't change the reality of our situation. We need a miracle to happen. We have gone through so much more than couples 10 years older have gone through. We started off building a marriage, bought a nice house, saving to the point we were ready for a family and then this tsunami hits and challenges us in a myraid of ways...medically, emotionally, financially, spiritually. But through it all, we continue to survive in our love for each other and God.
Okay, enough of this gloomy topic. I don't know why I just wrote all that stuff. I'm not even emotional or sad right now. Despite this struggle, I am really happy and having tons of fun every day. I can't believe I am, but I am. Life is truely funny that way I guess. I'm trying to live in the moment, because plans have a way of not falling through and instead of being upset, you need to learn how to adjust instead. That has been a lesson that has been always difficult for me, but one I am slowly grasping. I'm trying to live more in the present. There's always going to be changes in the world and sometimes it's hard to keep up, but we have to make sure that we do our best to be as happy as much as we can. That's the only thing we really can do.
When I got home, I rearranged some paperwork downstairs and then worked out for about an hour while Franny slept. I am loving our Total Gym. I do so many reps for my triceps and calves, the two areas I really need to work on. I know everyone says not to work out when you're trying to get pregnant and all I got to say it "screw it". If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen no matter what I'm doing. And all this working out stuff will ultimately help me remain healthy and fit in the long run, so I'm not to worried about it either way. A part of me doesn't even want to think about trying to get pregnant. This trying to get pregnant business is tiring. I am burnt out emotionally and physically and need a break. I'm so glad I'll be on bcps soon. Speaking of pregnancy, I can't believe I got another positive pregnancy test this morning. It's so deceiving. I got a positive last month and it didn't keep or it was a faulty test. I don't think this time is any different.
One of the uncles that I saw at church today said this to me..."you're going to have twins". I was like "okay". If only he knew what I have been through. You know, I don't mind not being pregnant. Really. Right now, I adore my little world with Francis. It has taken awhile to get this way, but it is actually at a really beautiful place. We have grown so much closer in the past year. The fact that I have been dealing with the endo pain and not getting pregnant is not the worst of it all. I can deal with that, but I can't keep dealing with it over and over again. And I have to when I see a pregnant woman, or a women holding their baby or toddler, or when I find out it only took 2 seconds for someone to get pregnant...because it's just a constant reminder that I may never have that. Or when I'm at a party and everyone is talking about babies this and babies that. I have nothing to contribute since I have never had a child and have no idea how it feels to be pregnant for a long period of time. That's the difficult part. Group conversations are especially hard to deal with since everyone knows the subject for me is just a sad one...which makes it not only uncomfortable for me, but awkward for everyone else as well. So, that is the worst part of this whole situation. Everyone is pregnant in my family. Okay, not everyone, but it sure is feels that way. And I am so happy for them. My sadness doesn't correlate to not being happy for them, because I am. I really am. I'm also happy that they won't ever have to experience what Franny and I have. It's one of the most challenging and frustrating experiences you could ever encounter. Most people at this road are labeled as "pessimests" or "irrational". People say we just have to "trust", "have faith", "believe". Do people actually think we haven't been doing that? We have been. Even now, our faith in each other and God is stronger than ever. But at the same time, the longer this occurs the more we feel let down, lost, and left behind. Yes, it is a contradiction, but life isn't always so clear. It's not that we want to be this way, it's what we have been conditioned to be. Because let me tell you, those who have never experienced this heartbreaking situation, will NEVER have a clue how this really affects someone. Really.
But, if you really want to see it from someone else's point of view, watch this (sound needed):
open arms
Everyone says "you're young" and "don't worry". Yes, you all are well-meaning individuals, but the honest truth is that it doesn't make us feel any better. We are young, but it doesn't change the reality of our situation. We need a miracle to happen. We have gone through so much more than couples 10 years older have gone through. We started off building a marriage, bought a nice house, saving to the point we were ready for a family and then this tsunami hits and challenges us in a myraid of ways...medically, emotionally, financially, spiritually. But through it all, we continue to survive in our love for each other and God.
Okay, enough of this gloomy topic. I don't know why I just wrote all that stuff. I'm not even emotional or sad right now. Despite this struggle, I am really happy and having tons of fun every day. I can't believe I am, but I am. Life is truely funny that way I guess. I'm trying to live in the moment, because plans have a way of not falling through and instead of being upset, you need to learn how to adjust instead. That has been a lesson that has been always difficult for me, but one I am slowly grasping. I'm trying to live more in the present. There's always going to be changes in the world and sometimes it's hard to keep up, but we have to make sure that we do our best to be as happy as much as we can. That's the only thing we really can do.
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